The College Survival Guide… according to two comedians

Preparing for your first year of college is an exciting time, but can be overwhelming. For most incoming freshman, this is their first time living away from home and search for any advice possible. So to make it easier on all those nervous first years (or seasoned college seniors who would like to take a walk down memory lane), two of the funniest guys we know, Michael Dean Ester and Derrick Knopsnyder, came together to tell you what they wouldn’t leave for college without.

Comedian, Derrick Knopsnyder Suggests:

I would say first and foremost, you need an alarm clock. That way, you can always tell how long you overslept.

Next you need sweat pants. A MUST. Trust me – all college students are dressed like they are either just waking up from a nap or about to go take one. Dress accordingly.

A dry erase board. Plan out your class times, your studying times and most importantly your drinking times. You have to stay hydrated. Water is a must… wait, did you think I meant beer? Haha you don’t have to plan that. That’ll happen organically.

Pack your friends from home too. Sometimes making new friends can be hard, so just bring the ones you already have.

Lastly I would say pack money. Not for books or alcohol or notebooks… pack money so when you inevitably run out of socks and underwear and don’t feel like doing laundry you can go buy new ones. Believe me, you’ll thank me for this later.

Comedians and Motivational Speaker, Michael Dean Ester Suggests:

1. “SINGLE AND BROKE.” Before leaving for college, ask around your hometown for something expensive and fragile that’s been broken. Now it’s worthless. Crystal, for example.  So box up the broken pieces and keep the box in your backpack. When you scope out a really attractive person in your class, make sure you squeeze through a door just ahead of the hottie. Stop in the doorway. When the hottie bumps into you, drop the backpack. Then quickly unzip it and open the box inside with a look of horror. Oh, no! ADVANTAGES: You’ll get to spend time with the hottie and likely meet his/her parents. If a spark develops, let the hottie in on the joke. If not, the parents probably have insurance. Get some big bucks for your busted crystal.

2. “YEARBOOK SHENANIGANS.” Your roommate will likely keep a high school yearbook on the shelf. Use it for fun and hijinx. Reading the signature pages can give you real insight into your roomy’s life. Get the principal’s name. Leave a note on your door when your roommate in class. Sign it, “Just checking on you. Always thought you were sexy.” Sign it as the principal. Watch your roomy squirm upon returning from class. Fun! Also, check out last year’s juniors in the yearbook. Select someone really appealing. Tell your roomy that this person dropped by out of the blue to ask about going to a senior dance back at high school. Watch your roomy freak out.

3. “BLADDER JUG.” Bring an empty milk container to college. The gallon kind. Remember that residential life means sharing a bathroom with dozens of students. Why not have a little fun? On any given night, when you notice a pair of feet in multiple stalls, grab your pre-filled gallon jug of water. Enter an empty stall and announce to nobody in particular, “Oh, wow. I’ve never had to pee this bad in my life!” Straddle the bowl so your feet appear to be in the right place. Slowly tip the gallon jug over the toilet until the sound of a stream of falling “urine” echoes through the bathroom. Let out a moan of relief. Continue to pour and pour and pour and pour. Continue moaning, too. After a full minute, other students in the bathroom will be intrigued. After two minutes, they’ll be amazed. After three minutes, they won’t be able to hold back comments and laughter. At the four minute mark, they’ll be gathered outside your stall prepared to give you an award. At the five minute mark, your performance will be live streamed over multiple social media platforms. When the jug finally empties, let it drop loudly into the bowl and say, “Wow! Cafeteria food can’t be good for you.”

 

Derrick and Michael are available to book for your next orientation, homecoming, or Fall Fest event. Call your Neon agent for booking availabilities or fill out the form below.

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